Tuesday was a pretty normal day with classes. We did have our studio class online with a guest speaker who talked to us about the tongue. Yes, the tongue. The muscles in it and how to release tongue tension. Yeah that’s a thing. I think the only other thing I did Tuesday was finally make tteokbokki. It was v good.
Now yesterday, Wednesday, was not it for me at all. I woke up and literally an hour-ish later I had a lil breakdown that maybe wasn’t so little. It definitely was a bit of a spiral of insecurities and for once I just let myself go a bit instead of shutting down my feelings immediately. I don’t think I liked that much though, even though I know it’s probably healthier to feel the feelings even if you don’t like them. But the day didn’t really even get better from there. I obviously still went about my day after, though I did have to cut an hour of practice because of it. When I got to campus, I had another little derealization thing which is just so fun. Eventually it kinda went away while I was practicing then I had band and went home. I pretty quickly took a nap to try to get my growing headache to stop. I then for some reason forced myself to go out, though I was incredibly tempted to cancel on people. I thought about staying in the comfort of my bed for a while. But I ended up eating with a few people and then headed to a concert that happened on campus. I’m a little glad I went out, though honestly, it probably would have been just as effective for me to stay in. But I did actually really enjoy the concert. A group called Cordis came to perform. They’re kind of like a rock band with some jazz and just really unique instrumentation. It was relaxing, but still had really cool moments. I especially thought the electric cello was so cool and at some points all I could think was “wow yes you go man” while he played. I also am weird and just like watching drummers…they always get so into the music and this drummer was no exception. They just rock out and you can tell how much they enjoy it. Unfortunately, for us broke people, in order to hear their music you have to buy an album. Or at least I couldn’t find them on any streaming service, but they did have albums on sale yesterday and I grabbed them 🙂 . As a person who spends money on KPop albums, I was pleased to find out they were selling theirs for only 5$. So it was a pretty easy decision to grab a few.
I did end up getting back kinda late last night and I was exhausted emotionally, so I didn’t even attempt to blog. I just went straight to bed. Today was better. No breakdowns or anything lol, though, I guess some people will believe that my decision today was a result of that…I’ll let you decide… Anyway, I had class and then actually headed over to Best Buy to make what I think is a good decision. While I was out yesterday, we stopped by for a friend to get some switch games and I came across the Bose headphones section and couldn’t stop myself today from going and getting a pair. So I now own a pair of Bose Quiet Comfort 45 Headphones. And I’m already obsessed and will probably always have them on. The noise cancellation is so incredibly nice, and as a person who relies quite a bit on music for their mental health, not being able to hear literally anything but the music I play is almost life changing. I can already tell that if I’m getting overwhelmed from noise or have some derealization stuff that I can put these on and just disappear a bit. And for normal life, they just sound great lol. For studio class again today we had the same speaker talking about tongues again which was interesting. Then I’ve been doing some work and am gonna chill.
I didn’t practice today, which I’m trying to think of as a good thing. I still don’t know why I feel so much guilt about not practicing as much as others. Or not practicing a day at all. Like, it’s my life and as much as I love flute, I don’t want to play it every second of every day. I want to have hobbies and do things for fun. Having a day off allows me to do just that, I can do creative things that I want to do that isn’t playing flute. And I feel like that’s a good thing. I’m sure some people would just think I’m a lazy idiot and wonder why I can’t just do both in one day. Just practice a bit, get everything done that you need to, then do whatever you want. And the only way I can explain it is what a therapist told me a while ago (I didn’t particularly enjoy therapy, but I guess I did get at least one thing out of it). When we wake up at the beginning of the day, we only start off with so much energy, mentally and physically, but we focused on the mentally because that’s what I needed. But we only start the day off with so much and everyday is different for whatever reasons. Maybe something happened the day before or maybe not, it doesn’t really matter. If it’s a 20% battery (energy level) day, then you can either prioritize time to do something to charge the battery in order to do something you have to do, or you can just give the day your whole 20%. Because that day your 100% is your 20%. I feel like she explained it so much better, but the biggest takeaway is just that you’re not going to have the same mental energy everyday, so you shouldn’t expect yourself to wake up at 100% every day. So I would say yesterday for me started at like 75% and quickly dropped to 45%. I had things to do, so I gave my 45% to practice and class. I recharged a bit with the concert. Today, I was probably only feeling like a 65% day. Not super bad, but also not great. Instead of draining myself, I tried to charge up by doing things I enjoyed. I don’t know if any of that even makes sense. I think I’m just rambling now.
Anyway, I am trying to decide when to blog next, as now my schedule is all funky. I think I’ll try Saturday. Hopefully I’ll have higher battery days 🙂
by juniparker
