The Life Of A Mentally Ill Musician- Day 6

Today started with me waking up to probably the sweetest email I’ve ever received from my student. I honestly cried after reading it. They’re making it really hard for me to stop teaching. And are slightly making me question my career path. I really thought I didn’t like teaching, but they’ve shown me otherwise. It’s so bittersweet having to stop teaching. I’m so happy not to have to grade next semester and I’m going to have a lot of free time, but I really enjoyed teaching them. Even on days where I was struggling; there was one day where I’m pretty sure I forgot my anxiety meds and then wasn’t able to eat lunch before teaching my back-to-back classes and they were so nice about it! I was a shaky mess from anxiety and starvation, dropping things, stumbling over my words, and generally a mess, but they still smiled and told me to leave them to go eat because they’d be fine. I’d go into classes not wanting to teach, but then would leave the class happier. And that I will definitely miss. I did decide I’m making my classes cookies next week and I made an Aldi trip today to get some more flour and butter (which I always forget is so expensive).

After I pulled myself together, I went to my theory class. Then the jury sign up sheet was sent out, but apparently other studios got it earlier so most of the spots were already taken. I was able to get a slot that works though so that was nice, duh. Still kinda annoying though. Then I made my Aldi run and came back home, where I ended up taking a nap for longer than expected, probably because I had a headache. After eating I was quite literally grading for hours, trying to get as much done as possible. I now only have one grade left for all classes, which is literally if they show up next week. I really meant to practice today, or at least go through and solfege some more, or watch my lesson or even the “memory pod” recording back to take notes on. But I’m honestly exhausted after all of that grading. Which I feel like sounds so stupid, but I think anyone who’s ever graded a class of work understands. I might get the motivation to do some flute/practice work later (hopefully).

Today in general, I was more anxious than normal, which was weird considering the email from my student that made my day. Or I could just be confusing my anxiety symptoms with not feeling well symptoms. They’re basically the same. I don’t know if that’s a super normal thing, but sometimes my stomach will feel off and I’ll get nauseous if I’m feeling anxious. I finally connected the dots after feeling like this going to high school everyday for a year, but especially whenever I went on a school trip… it’s not fun. I don’t know how I didn’t connect the dots earlier. Like literally I remember every day in my junior year of high school being so anxious and nauseous going to school every day. And this was also the year I had no friends, seriously. I went days of school without anyone saying anything to me and me saying anything to anyone. It was a rough year to say the least. But anyways, those symptoms could have also just been a little bug I had today and not anxiety, I really don’t know, but it felt more like anxiety than a bug. I feel like I was also more down today because of my whole teaching situation. I’m seriously going to miss them and I don’t think I can put my feelings into words. It’s probably one of the most bittersweet thing I’ve been though. I guess I should end the blog here today, it wasn’t super exciting. I do think I’m going to combine the next few days as I don’t really have anything other than homework, practicing, and baking cookies on my to-do list, but I guess if something interesting happens I’ll separate the two. If not, there will be a new post Sunday!