the life of a mentally ill musician- day 53

So I started off strong with blogging and then stopped. I suppose the break was nice, but as I’m getting ready to start the semester I figured it’s time to pick up this blog again. During the summer, I had a few more quick trips here and there which were all nice and fun. The main thing that has happened is NFA in Phoenix. Our flute studio had the opportunity to perform this year at NFA, so I obviously went. Getting there was a nightmare of delayed and missed connecting flights, but once there everything was ok. I ate some good food, saw graduated friends once again before they leave, and met some new people. Performance wise I think everything went pretty well, and I do plan on posting a video soon. After NFA I had to quickly make my way back to West Virginia, as I am a band GA now and band camp is happening!

That’s where I am now, day four of band camp. It’s been interesting to say the least. I’m struggling if I’m being 100% honest. At lot of it I guess is on me…I just feel like I’m out of place. I don’t know much about marching, so I feel I can’t help with it. I’ve been sitting in on marching and music rehearsals/sectionals and yesterday I ended up having to lead a full woodwind sectional for the first time, as the other ga’s had to go to orientation things. It was rough. I was worried because I really only know flute, but I know music and was pretty sure I could lead the sections through the music and fix what I could, I just wouldn’t be able to be specific with other instrument techniques. I think I did a good job, though I was pretty frustrated with the sectional, as there was a particular section that wasn’t super respectful and continually talked and didn’t listen. It was very difficult for me lol. But on the bright side it confirmed to me that I definitely do not want to be a band director. I couldn’t do it. I appreciate those that can. I’ve also been the go-to repair person for piccolos, which surprisingly has been quite a few. I guess I should be grateful for all those times my flute broke because it’s made me understand flutes/piccolos more.

Mentally I’ve also been iffy during camp. I came late, so I kinda just feel like I’m doing nothing. Everyone else kind of knows each other and talks to each other and the other ga’s have duties that fit with the band more, as my job is mainly getting folders ready for concert bands. I’m trying to just give it time, but I think a pretty big part of me is worried I’m going to feel like I’m back in high school this entire semester. Being so anxious to leave my house, feeling like I’m going to puke, feeling out of place with no friends, etc. It sucks, honestly. I don’t want to feel like that again at all. So I’m trying to think positively. I did just get here, I’m not automatically going to be besties with everyone. It takes time. Hopefully. Just give it some time. It’s already a little better than it was previous days.

Other than that, I don’t think there’s really much else that has been happening that’s super important. Practice has also been iffy, though I do think I practiced more over this break than I have in some previous years, which I am happy about. I’m not too concerned about it as this usually happens and I’ll get back into a good routine. I tend to loose motivation in the summer’s, but I have been composing and also have begun to pick up ukulele again to rekindle my love for music so to speak. Here’s a few pictures of what I’ve been up to: