hey…
Life’s been a bit harder than I’d like to admit lately. For a while after my trip to Vancouver, I was actually doing really well, like abnormally well lol. I was satisfied with how my life was. I was in a more intense interview process for a real big girl job (they put everything on hold so TT) , I was beginning to explore other hobbies, I went to a strawberry festival with my family, as well as just other fun places, and moved completely out of Morgantown. I even started going to see a therapist! But then things slowly got to be back to how I expected them to be and how I normally feel during the summer.
I’m not sure what it is about summer. I feel like I should like summer way more, I mean, I don’t have classes to attend or homework to do and I get to be home. But I always find my mental health slipping a bit. I don’t like routine, and I feel like during the summer I get sucked into the most suffocating routine, and this summer it’s almost worse. I have no job, which is nice, but I have nothing to do most days. I want to work and was hopeful about the job I was interviewing for, but they decided to wait a few months to hire anyone…so back to square one of having no idea what to do next or what job to even look for. So every day is basically the same, eat, sleep, play games, watch TV, and try to do something creative sin attempt to make myself feel a bit better. But it doesn’t really help lol. I’m trying. Jobs are hard. Again, I do want to work and I know I need to, because obviously I need to make money and I don’t particularly want to live in my parents basement forever. But every single job I’ve had in my life at this point has been suffocating. I get home and want to do nothing but sleep. No energy to practice, compose, or do anything other than work and survive. So I want something that isn’t going to suffocate me, even though doing nothing right now is doing the same.
I always heard that people with depression can loose interest in the things they love. For a while, I was like yeahhh okay, I have depression but I definitely still want to do music all the time. Then that changed and I was like oh, this sucks! I don’t want to play flute right now at all. I want nothing to do with it, and this has been building up for a while. I thought it might just be because I graduated and spent so long working towards my degree, but even in school there were times I wondered why I was getting the degree I got. I’m not sure if I really don’t want to do this anymore, or if that’s the depression talking. Very rarely I want to practice these days…I think I’ve practiced 3 times since graduating, and one of those times was playing duets with someone. Composing is a bit of a different story, I want to compose more than I do play, which is fine. But it’s still not super often that I want to, or feel like I have any ideas worth putting down. Unfortunately, imposter syndrome is real strong in me LOL. It has been probably since I picked up the flute and now it’s still there and so weird. I have a masters degree in flute performance, yet I don’t feel qualified to do anything.
So basically, in conclusion, I have no idea what I’m doing right now and it’s not fun 😀 . I’m not even sure what I need to do right now to help myself…which I guess is the point of therapy maybe…either way I’m just trudging along. I know it’ll get better though eventually…it has to right? It might just take some figuring out and trying things. I feel like I should end this on a more positive note or something since this post has been basically me popping in to rant about not knowing what I’m doing with my life, but I’ve got nothing other than some photos I’ve taken recently. And the news that I’m really trying to think of ways to return/start up social media again? I think I’m starting here, with my blog. I have a few ideas…
by juniparker
