So it’s been like all of April and I realized I haven’t blogged at all. The good news is, there’s not too much? Let’s begin.
So definitely didn’t talk about my fun little quick trip to DC with a few flute players! It was so fun!! We drove down early Saturday, walked around, ate, and headed back all in the same day. It was exhausting, but a ton of fun. We saw the typical monuments, took some pics with the gorgeous cherry blossoms, went to the botanical gardens, and ate (for their first time) at the cheesecake factory. I think that sums it up. Did I mention it was a lot of walking? LOL. The only scary moment was when we were heading back to the car the parking lot had a garage door thing that was shut and I really thought we were going to be stuck in DC all night. Thankfully, someone was leaving the garage and the door opened, so we ran in and left asap. Turns out I just really love random little trips, and having people to go with is a huge plus! So happy I was able to get some friends to go 🙂
There has also been an insane amount of concerts and recitals that I’ve been to this month, as school is ending. I had a concert with wind symphony, played someones composition at the electronic music studio recital, saw symphonic band and concert band, my professor had a recital, and there were a couple of flute recitals as well! It was a busy month for concerts/recitals. They all did incredible as always. Though it was kinda weird thinking that was my last concert here…
I’m gonna talk about the little things I can remember this month before getting into the big thing. I’ve been doing a ton of packing away folders. I got my cap and gown and am officially graduating. The gown with the hood is still so weird and ugly to me, but it’s fine. I actually won’t be attending graduation, as I will be on a plane to go do some auditions!! Scary, but I’m excited to travel…and audition. I made a little box full of the love notes from the flute studio. Every studio our professor encourages us to write little “love notes” aka, nice things about the person playing. So I saved them all in random places and decided they deserve their own little box. So if I’m ever feeling down, I can pull one out and smile at the compliments they had given me that day.
Now onto the big one. My comps. They were rough to say the least, so let’s dive into that fun mess. This past Tuesday was the day of my comps. I should back it up and explain what those are. Basically, it’s an oral exam I had to do to graduate. I had three professors that I had asked and they agreed to do the exam. So it basically was me in a room with three professors who could ask me really anything about music, and I had to answer, talking. For me that was the scariest part, not whether or not I’d pass or fail. It was being in a room, talking. I can’t think well when I’m anxious, nor speak well. I was worried I’d forget everything, stumble and stutter over words, or just sound stupid. Most of all, I was afraid my anxiety would swallow me in my exam, and unfortunately for me, the worst did happen.
I had a concert that morning with wind symphony for 1200 school kids, which was fine, but the nerves and anxiety hit hard after. I was literally shaking because of my anxiety, so I decided I needed to do something. I walked around outside for a bit, but stopped when it made my headache worse. So I ate some lunch, tried to do some deep breathing, walked around the music building and did everything I could think of to shake my nerves. It worked for a little bit. I went into the comps feeling okay, probably due to the fact that I was just talking more casually with one of my professors just before it. The exam started fine and I was feeling good, explaining things more eloquently than I figured I would. But that began to change pretty quickly.
I was quickly overanalyzing everything. Every small reaction any of my professors had to any of my answers. Every answer and pause I made. It was suffocating and scary. My brain was spiraling, telling me I was doing horribly, sounding dumb, too stupid to know the answer, that my professors would think I know nothing and more. The room felt smaller, I felt small and wanted to run away so badly. I hadn’t even realized that I had been scratching and ripping at my arm…I don’t want to trigger anyone so I’m not sharing specifics and pics, but it was not a good sight. My arm was a bit of a mess after the exam. And all of that came crashing down pretty quickly into a panic attack. My worst fear. My panic attacks used to be able to go unnoticed, my symptoms were harder to notice- I would be really hot and sweat a ton, feel shaky, struggle to breathe or speak, feel a bit of dissociation and that would be all. But lately, after medication (though that may not be the cause) my symptoms have changed into tears, shaky feeling, mind and thoughts blurring together, difficulty breathing and speaking. In my book, or my brain, that kind of panic attack is much more embarrassing and difficult. So, I had to stop the exam, only being able to explain to my professors “I’m sorry, my anxiety” through tears as they began to fall. It was the one thing I didn’t want to happen during the exam. They were all kind, thankfully, and looking back I’m very thankful for that, though at the time I was mostly just horrifiedly embarrassed. They left the room to allow me some space, which did help, though I was unable to stop the attack completely. My flute professor was the first one to come back and offered some words of encouragement and support which helped, before the others came back in. I was unfortunately unable to continue the exam in the state I was in, so my professor suggested that we continue in some way on another day. So while they discussed that, I headed outside for some air.
I surprised myself in that moment honestly. Normally, I would have just gone outside and probably cried alone until I got the courage to get my things from the room before leaving- studio class not even being on my things to go to list, either way I would have just gone home. But instead of crying alone, I had the thought to call my sibling. They also struggle with anxiety and have experienced panic attacks and have called me during them, so for some reason I decided I wanted to call them. I sent them a text, seeing if they were even free to talk and they were. So I cried on the phone outside to my sibling, which is still kind of embarrassing to me lol. But they helped a lot and I was able to calm down. Definitely thankful for them. I quickly made my way back inside into the flute studio to grab my things, before locking it up and heading to my car. I got myself some chick-fil-a because there was no way I was going to cook. And after that, I honestly don’t really know what I did other than go home. I had to be at a concert that night to collect folders, which I dreaded as I knew people would ask how my comps went. Which brings me to just now remember the sweet flute player who did ask and I just told them not well and explained I’d have to continue the exam because of a panic attack, and she immediately offered a hug, which almost made me cry more :’) . But thankful for her too. The rest of the night was a bit of a blur, but was probably filled with dread and tears.
The next day was also rough, no surprise there. But I made it through the day okay, only crying at home lol. I was mostly just extremely embarrassed, and I still kind of am, even though it’s something I couldn’t control and didn’t want to happen at all. Thursday came around, which was the day we had decided to meet again. It was similar to Tuesday, I was anxious again. Having to walk into that room a second time, after crying in front of all of them was one of the hardest things I had to do. But, this time around there was no panic attack and I was able to finish the exam with a pass. I also really appreciated the kind words my professors gave to me on Thursday. One asked about my strengths and weaknesses and I kind of laughed and was like, well, speaking and anxiety is a weakness and she basically helped me see that it isn’t always a weakness, but also a big strength. At the end of the exam, they commended me for showing up and finishing the exam after everything that happened, because that’s not easy to do, especially in the short turn around I did.
So all in all, it was a really tough experience, but I made it through and passed the exam. I’m extremely grateful for my professors kindness and understanding towards me and my anxiety, as well as my sibling, friends and family for their support when I told them about what happened. To anyone else that struggles with panic attacks, they really suck don’t they? But we can make it through them. They’re not something to be embarrassed about, we don’t want them to happen, we can’t control them, and they’re not something we should feel so embarrassed about.
by juniparker
