the life of a mentally ill musician- 69

This is a long one

Wow it’s been a while and a lot has happened. Let’s start off with the good stuff that I remember. Um, Fomalhaut is out…that’s really exciting. As expected, it hasn’t gotten a ton of listens and things, which I am okay with and expected. I think a lot of people can get caught up and numbers and at times I was sucked into this where I was almost disappointed about the numbers. But, then I remembered why I even made Fomalhaut in the first place, simply because making an album is something I’ve wanted to do for years, and that makes me very happy and proud, regardless of the numbers. Also, it’s my first album and my following isn’t huge, so it makes sense. But yeah, don’t get to caught up in numbers, that’s all they are. Numbers.

The spring semester has also begun and it’s been interesting for my mental health. I only have 2 main regularly meeting classes, one each day, plus lessons. So I found myself with more free time than I’ve ever had. I tried a lot of different things. At first, I tried to much. I planned out specific times to make sure I walked my dog, did yoga, practiced, composed, studied for my final comps, etc. Spoiler, it didn’t go well. I was frustrated with myself for not following my plan- I had so much time to actually do these things, so why couldn’t I? They were all things I wanted to do and most of them I enjoyed, so it didn’t make sense to me why I couldn’t just do them. Then I realized having that much planned down to the minute was overwhelming. So I tried planning less, choosing which of the things on my list I really wanted to make a routine and focus on those. That helped…for a while. But then things got busy and I stopped, which made me begin to once again feel frustrated and upset with myself. So it’s a work in progress. I try to plan a bit on Sundays, seeing what times I have, but also being kind to myself if that doesn’t happen. Sometimes you and your body just need to sleep more. Sometimes you don’t want to practice at the time you planned, but you feel like doing it later. That’s all okay.

It was, and still is hard to not let my free time go to waste. And what I mean by that is letting it be a time where I doom scroll or just sit and spiral. So I’ll try to do something, even if it’s just small. All of this was super frustrating to me and my depression was harder in ways it hasn’t been before this past month. I’ve always been what I consider to be “high functioning”, even when I’m feeling down I make myself get up, get ready and go to class. But I found that these things have been even more difficult lately. Just getting up and showering felt so difficult, the idea of practicing or going to class just that much harder than normal. It really sucks. But, I still tried. If I couldn’t get myself to shower, I could get myself to take a bath and chill for a bit, that way I’m still clean but it doesn’t feel as difficult. If practicing was daunting, I’d either find a way to practice without my flute or would have myself just do one thing, because all of that is better than nothing. So yeah, were struggling but working on it. Doing alternative things to the tasks that seem hard has been helpful. Piper also is a huge help in forcing me to get up so she can go pee outside lol.

A big thing that happened, that I think I can finally talk about now without crying, is one of the basketball games. It was a Saturday mens game- which I knew would already make me super anxious. It was just me and another ga and things were good for the first bit, we were confident and feeling okay about doing the game alone. Then, we made a small mistake (which happens) and the athletics people were, well I’ll just say very unhappy and they made it known that they were unhappy in a not cool way. This has happened before, because mistakes happen, but they’ve always brushed it off. But since it was me and another ga I guess they thought it was fine to go about it another way. And that pretty quickly sent me into one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in a long time. I felt it coming, so I told the other ga, who I’m so thankful was completely understanding. So I basically went and cried and hyperventilated in a bathroom stall for a good 40min….yeah…not my best moment. I’m also the kind of person that when I cry you can tell for HOURS after, so I didn’t really want to go face the pep band that was there with my face red an puffy, aka they all would have known I was crying. I felt bad not going back and helping the ga, but she basically convinced me she was okay and I could take my time- even go home if needed. Me, being stubborn, stayed but decided to walk around outside to calm down. Which helped a lot. Unfortunately, by the time I felt good enough to return, the game was almost over. So I waited in my car for it to end and drive the ga back to her car. So sucky day overall. I forgot how much panic attacks can effect you, I was basically asleep all of the next day. Then Monday rolled around and we made our directors aware of what happened, which they were also not happy about and I attempted to give one some details but was on the verge of tears. I really meant to just tell him I had to excuse myself for a panic attack so I didn’t know how the rest of the game went, but I couldn’t really get past the panic attack and guilt I felt for leaving the ga alone. Whatever. Tuesday I still was anxious, so I took a mental health day. I knew I needed to get up, or my mental health day would do the opposite and make me feel worse. So I walked Piper, got some food, and did some shopping at a pet store and target. So Piper really got the most out of my mental health day haha, but I did find a 3 lb stuffed dinosaur that is actually the best thing I have bought.

Shew. There’s still more. Finally, this past weekend we had honor band. Which was stressful, but it all worked out. I think I got put with the best clinician (though the others were also fantastic). He was great with the high schoolers and overall just a really great person. There was a lot of running around and things that happen with an event like this. All of which to say, for me, it was an anxiety filled weekend and I’m still recovering from it. I also noticed something that warms my heart. The band office usually goes out to dinner with the clinicians we have, so obviously I attended the dinner. My director was sitting next to me and a few times during the dinner would ask me if I was doing okay or hanging in there. Which I didn’t really think anything of, until realizing that he was the one I told about my panic attack (and also gave me a mint after to cheer me up 😭), and was likely checking in on me knowing that I was probably anxious. I don’t know, I could just be making all that up to feel better, but I don’t recall him being doing that at any other thing if that makes sense? Such a sweet director I love getting to work with him. He also just gave us gift cards as a thanks for all we did this past weekend 😭😭.

I think that’s all of the main things that have been happening. It’s been a bit all over. Some days I’m great and others I’m definitely not, but I’m trucking along. This Friday I have my recital though!! Which is a little scary, but I’m excited about it and think it’ll be good.