the life of a mentally ill musician- day 40

Yesterday was actually normal…I think. I had class, I practiced some and then had studio class. Tomorrow, we have a masterclass with Ian Clarke, which should be really cool. But we spent our studio class preparing for that. Afterwards, I had a lesson with an undergraduate student, which I think went well. Still insecure on the teaching thing, but I think they’re getting stuff out of it. When I got back, I just took it easy. I don’t have any assignments coming up, besides the one I already finished. So I just kinda chilled, practiced drawing some and went to bed.

My day today started with a rehearsal with some flute friends. A few of us didn’t really have anything to play for our upcoming studio recital, so we decided to do a quartet. So we met up today to read through it which was a lot of fun. I tried to practice after, and did a bit, but it wasn’t much. I need a break :D. I then had a regular ol band rehearsal and then I headed home for a bit. I rested some and I ended up going out to eat with a friend, which was really nice and honestly needed. It was a good break. It’s weird to say that it was refreshing because I’m such an introvert, but it really was. We got some Thai food and I had this real good mango curry. It sounds weird, but it was really good.

I guess I’ll get into something that was on my mind today, because I probably won’t be thinking about it Friday when I blog next. So a year ago tomorrow, the 30th, I got my first tattoo. I don’t talk about it that much and also have never actually explained why I got it to anyone, but it’s been on my mind. So, a year ago, I was in a very different place mentally. And I decided that that needed to change. I needed to start caring for myself more. I wanted to change the fact I had no one. I decided that the tattoo I got would be a symbol of this change in my life. A big decision for a big change. A change to someone who is trying to love themselves, a person who gets through tough times, a person with people surrounding them, and most importantly, a person who is living for themself. I decided I was going to do everything I could to change for the better. I was tired of feeling the way I felt constantly, and even though I still feel that way some days, it’s not as bad as it was a year ago. It’s for this reason that I went with the quote I did. It’s from One Piece, yes the anime, said by a character I love: “Thank you for loving me”. The quote itself is like a message from my past self to me now. I maybe didn’t love myself much a year ago, or for a while before that, but I can look back at the person I was and have so much love for them. I love the girl who was struggling, who wanted nothing more in the world than to feel loved, be it platonically or romantically, the girl who hated her personality, her looks, and the world. I feel so deeply for her and I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that we were able to change and get a bit better. It’s a slow process, but I am changing for the better. Again, some days are worse than others, but I do truly think that I’ve changed for the better, as I decided to a year ago. The other reason for this quote was just because of the character who said it, Ace. Ace was the oldest brother who was told his whole life that he shouldn’t exist. He eventually went out into the world and found a crew that cared for him. He eventually ended up giving up his life to save his brother, thanking his younger brother for loving him, as he was the reason he lived. Ace’s character spoke to me in a lot of ways. No, I didn’t have people telling me I shouldn’t exist, but I did have my brain think not nice things about myself. Like Ace, I went out into the world, but I didn’t really find a “crew”. I was living for other people and not myself. But I’m now deciding to take his advice and start living for myself and living without regret. And things have looked up since I made that decision. I have people I talk to, that I hang out with and I’m finding ways to work through my feelings better. I’m trying to work on my self love and I’m getting better. Even the placement of my tattoo was something I thought about. I wanted it on my left rib, close to my heart, as a reminder to still be kind and love myself.

So as I’m about to hit the year mark of having this tattoo, the reason for getting it has been on my mind. After I got this tattoo, I did try hard to make things better. I started putting myself out there more, going to “events” I was invited to, talking to people and trying so hard to honestly just change. I continued when I came here to Morgantown, talking to people, showing up to activities I would normally brush off. And now look at me. I’m getting better. It’s been really hard, but I’m still here. So yeah, that’s why I got a tattoo…it’s just been on my mind a lot today and I can say I’m pretty happy with where I am today, even though the past week was rough.

And that’s all! Tomorrow should be a lot of fun with the masterclass and event and then I’ll hopefully have another chill Friday!