So I clearly didn’t blog like I wanted to on Saturday. And honestly, my week didn’t even get any better. I don’t even remember anything specific on Friday that even happened, other than another breakdown and getting boba like I do. Saturday, my morning was at least nice. A few flutists and I met up at the music building to play just dance and then we did some mario kart afterwards. That was a lot of fun and I’m glad we did that. I also went to eat with someone after, I also spent some time on my electronic music assignment then had technical issues and lost all of my few hours of work…then I gave up, ate some food and then suddenly my brain made everything go downhill again. I did end up redoing and completing the project yesterday though. Yesterday also wasn’t great, full of a lot of unwanted emotions and breakdowns and also news of not getting an assistantship I applied for. I honestly wasn’t expecting to get it anyway, I also wouldn’t have chosen me over the other applicants, it wouldn’t be super logical, but it still kinda sucks. It definitely wasn’t the sole reason of my crappy weekend though. It was just the breaking point of my Sunday.
It was a rough weekend and I couldn’t really even tell you why it was rough in general. Well, it’s probably due to my tendency to bottle up everything and then explode…But the thing is, I’m not even sure I can remember what had me so upset. I guess the same insecurities I always deal with, plus the weight of schooling. Obviously, Sunday there was more of a reason, but I kinda figured that would be the result anyway and the breakdown stemmed more from insecurity than not getting “the job”. It seems incredibly tempting to just get on a plane and leave for a while, or take a semester off, but both of those options seem unattainable to me. I have no money as a college student lol, and what would I even do if I took a semester off? Nothing that will help me probably. I think I’m very burnt out honestly. But is it burn out or just depression or a fun combination of both? Who knows. Either way, I basically spent my weekend in the trash, mentally, and honestly at some points physically to. I was cramping bad one day, a splitting headache that is honestly still there right now, I had trouble sleeping and yeah. Soooo yeah, didn’t blog Saturday because my weekend was kinda crappy.
I did however push myself to attend classes today, though I wanted so badly to stay home today. I couldn’t tell you if that was a good decision or not though. I started my day with caffeine, which isn’t normal for me. I’m not a coffee drinker and I don’t typically have caffeinated things, but sometimes when I do have some caffeine I get a serotonin boost along with more energy, so I was hoping that would happen today. It unfortunately didn’t really help with either of those things lol. But I did practice for a bit, before I got too much in my head and called it a day. I then had rehearsal which was fine and then my lesson. Honestly, before my lesson I felt like I was going to puke from anxiety, which also isn’t something that’s very normal. But the lesson was fine. As usual, I didn’t really need to be anxious about anything. And now I’m here, unsure if I should just delete this whole post because admitting that my weekend totally sucked and I broke down a lot isn’t exactly something I like sharing. Again, I bottle things up 🙂 . I’m starting to feel better today, whether that’s me starting to bottle things back up or what. Still have a headache and I’m probably dehydrated, but mentally a bit better than the past few days. I’m trying to take it easy on myself, especially with practicing. I know that I’m having a bit of a hard time and it’s okay if I can’t spend long in the practice room.
Speaking of that, I don’t know if any other musician has dealt with this, but it frequently happens to me. Days like the past few I’ve had, are obviously more rough, but it seeps into the practice room as well. I almost feel like a practice room is like a yoga mat. There shouldn’t be any negativity in the practice room. The practice room shouldn’t be a place of toxicity. So some days, I can only get half an hour of practice before my brain starts ripping me to shreds. It starts off typically, with me not playing something how it should. Whatever, it happens. That’s literally the purpose of practicing. But sometimes instead of being okay with the mistake, it turns into “I’m unable to do this” or “I suck at this instrument why did I chose this?” and sometimes going so deep to not so nice thoughts of myself and my personality. So not really a rabbit hole I wanna go down. I just feel like practicing when I’m like that isn’t going to do me any good at all. I’m not going to accomplish anything other than growing self hatred. At first, it was hard to recognize when this was happening, but now I’m able to spot it pretty quick and am able to shut it down. Usually, I’ll take a break, whether that be 5 min or a few hours. Sometimes just switching to a different room can help. I used to only be able to go half an hour, then I started to be able to practice for an hour without bringing myself down and so on. And then there’s times like today where I fall back into only being able to do half an hour. And I should be okay with that. I’d rather not make a habit of being mean to myself in the practice room, because then I’m never going to want to practice because the result of my practice will be hate not love. That sounded way more deep. Either way, if anyone else struggles with this pattern as well, I’m right there with you. As soon as you recognize the spiral, stop and take a break. Please don’t continue the toxicity in the practice room.
Guess that’s where I’m leaving this today. I’m pretty sure I’ll have a “normal” couple days, hopefully with me feeling better. Here’s a screenshot of SKZ on their 5th anniversary to make your day better:
by juniparker
