Yeah so Tuesday and Wednesday was just a random burst of motivation because it’s definitely not here anymore. Things have been okay though. I have a lot on my mind and it kinda sucks. Anyways, yesterday was kind of typical, but again, the motivation wasn’t there. So it got to my practice time and wanted to do anything but go into a practice room. Which isn’t super great considering my recital hearing is like a week away. So I compromised kinda and decided to just run through all of my pieces. I then sat around for a while with a flute player until studio, where I got to listen to some flutists play. Then I ended up at chick-fil-a with the same flute player from before which was honestly really nice. I am super introverted and I’ve gone a very very long time without having friends or doing anything with people, which I tried convincing myself was how I liked to be so it wouldn’t hurt (it didn’t work), but it’s really nice having people to go eat with and talk to. It’s nice having that and it be with people who actually seem to listen and care. Really. I don’t think I can describe how thankful I am.
Today was also just okay. I did have a lesson/rehearsal with a flute undergrad since we’re going to be playing together at a convention. We ended up choreographing most of the piece and it was honestly really fun. Afterwards, I once again convinced myself to at least play through my music before band rehearsal. Something about the end of the week just makes me not want to practice I guess. I had an early end to my day, as our professor is out of town, so we didn’t meet for our pedagogy class. So I headed home to eat, took a nap, and now am here.
I guess to write a bit about what’s been bugging me, my mind is all over the place. I know I’ve written about it before here about feeling insecure with my playing and career, but that still is in my brain pretty much constantly. There’s basically a war going on in my brain at all times between “I really want this dream with flute and to come true, but it will never happen in a million years because I’m just mediocre” and “I just need to work harder and then it’ll happen” but then I can’t get myself to work harder. And that’s where I’m at. I know the music world is highly competitive and difficult and I just don’t believe in myself. I want to work hard to make it, but at the same time, it feels hopeless. There are so many other good flute players and musicians and what is there that makes me unique? Then I’ve also been considering adding on a certificate they have here in music industry. Which is another battle in my brain. It sounds nice and it could help with my career, but it would also mean I have to be in school longer and I already want to be done with schooling even though I have no idea what I want to do after. But at the same time, is it even worth getting? Am I just delaying the inevitable of my failure? Is there anything within the degree that would help, or should I just start working harder and build up career because I technically have the tools to do so? Then there’s the nagging feeling that none of that really matters because it’s not like I’ll make it in the flute or music world. Haha, yeah so that’s where my brain is, basically a constant exhausting battle.
I guess I’m leaving on that super happy note :/. I just wanna go see Stray Kids in concert again or something. Maybe take another solo trip with my dog somewhere. But I also don’t really have the money for that…don’t we all. Hopefully this weekend I’ll start feeling a bit better…or will at least be pushing myself to get things done.
by juniparker
