I have had an interesting few days :/ . I would usually start with Wednesday, but I feel like that’s a lot to begin with, so I’ll skip for now. Thursday, however, was good. I taught a flute lesson to an undergraduate student, which is always kinda scary and nerve wracking for me since I feel unqualified, but I think it went well! Other than that I had just regular classes. I also started writing a new piece Thursday night. I couldn’t fall asleep and my mind was racing, so that’s what I did. I’m writing it sort of based on how I felt Wednesday, but also just kind of anxiety in general. It’s hard to describe, but I’m sure I’ll be sharing parts of it on here when it’s more ready. I hope it’ll be meaningful to people. It’s hard for me to talk and explain my feelings, so I’m seeing if I can express it more in music.
Today was also pretty normal, class and rehearsal. Practice-wise Thursday and today have been okay, I’m not super motivated again, but I still practiced. I think I really need to give myself other pieces to begin working on. I’ve been compiling a list of pieces with flute and electronics since I’m interested and enjoy those kinds of pieces, as well as listening to a bunch. So I’ll likely buy a few and start on those and hopefully it’ll help the weird spot I’m in lol.
Now for Wednesday, ugh. My Wednesday started off pretty normal, me not wanting to get out of bed. I finally convinced myself to and after getting ready, it hit. I don’t exactly know how to explain what happened, but this happened a bit ago as well. I think it’s a version of derealization or just a different version of a panic attack. Everything just feels fuzzy and off, like I’m in a dream. Wednesday in particular, I was feeling a bit panicky, but the other time it was that bad, I wasn’t panicky. It’s a really weird feeling, especially because I am able to recognize that I’m experiencing it. It makes me feel like I’m going a bit insane and is really frustrating. Imagine looking at your hand and instead of just thinking “yep that’s mine this is normal”, you look at it and your brain is like “woah, omg, is that mine??”, that’s kinda what it feels like. Just off and not fun at all. Time seems to be super slow, but fast, things are moving slowly but too fast. I feel like it really makes no sense to a normal person. Either way, I wasn’t able to practice because of it. Both times I’ve been like this, I’m basically just to trying to make everything feel real again. I put on my headphones and turn up the music. It eventually went away and I was able to go about my day, but it really effected my morning. Dogs are amazing too, Piper was glued to me Wednesday morning, as if she knew how I was feeling. She was straight up licking me and putting her paw on me as if trying to help me feel that things are real. Definitely my ESA 🙂 .
So yeah, that’s been the end of my week. It felt like a lot, but I definitely didn’t write that much. I’ve just been vibing and hanging in there I suppose lol. In other news though, Stray Kids did just drop their new title album song and it’s really good and made me happy today. Anyway, I’m going to go finish up a K-drama and chill a bit and try not to think too much and stress myself out 🙂 . I’ll be back Monday as long as I don’t forget again!
by juniparker
